Wednesday, September 13, 2017

looking for validation in all the wrong places

life is weird.
wait, no. human is weird.
we die alone, we live to be able to sustain our own lives alone, and die alone-yet somewhere in between those things we just can not be left alone. we destined to be communal, be in pair, go get ourselves a clique, tolerate each other, live among our own.
some managed to go along with this system, while the rest are limping around trying to fit in this wheel of life and aren't be able to because of their own fate of bodily constellations. either it's the matter on being the wrong place at the wrong time or just plain bad luck.
the odd ones, the queer, if they're fortunate they'll find someone whom as weird as they are, and even after that they have to face being gently or forcefully shunned from the moral holding majority just for their mere existence (e.g. a joke i found on the internet on how to kill yourself : be gay in Iran).

Thursday, March 23, 2017

the conversation in my head : emotion vs logic

1. it's okay, my life got boring these days. I feel pretty numb, maybe this time it will be different.
- you know you'll get your feelings hurt and depressed--why are you like this?

2. why am I tired, I'm not even doing anything.
- yes you did. you got invested with all this thoughts about that particular person, it drains energy. especially the fact that you're looking for some kind of justification from something that's uncertain.

3.  i think we have telephatic minds
- no, your mind just obsessing over this person every second of every day. it doesn't count.

4. do you know how much i think of throwing myself over a moving train? 2 times a day and 10 times a week.
- this suicidal jokes are not cool, i know you're stressed out--but try to keep it together.

5. why my friend getting so distant?
- you know the friend asks you on a lot of things. you're too individualistic and your friend wants to keep moving forward.

6. *lacks of motivation"
- look how everything goes past you. don't miss another opportunity, this one might be the main reason and a key to get away from everything and everyone for a while.

7. i don't think i can trust this person ever again.
- no you can not, but you will move on and you will focus on the rest good things that this person have.

8. i want to be less self-centered and just stop caring about other's opinion.
- you're progressing. keep it up.

9. i don't want to hear all my negative thoughts.
- that's why you run every morning and plug your ears with songs to tone down the voices in your head, and it's working.

10. why am i fail at anything?
- you're not even trying.

11. i am proud but also jealous for this person.
- it's fine you're allowed to be jealous for things that other people are good at, but remember that you also have your own platform in which only you can do better.

12. what if this person don't like me back and juggles me around with other individuals?
- your intent is unpure from the start, take that risk.

13. i can't stand all these "friends" in this place where am i at the most.
- i know you should look for new ones but in the meantime just put up with them. i know you hate most of their views, they can be shallow and seems to embrace bigotry. they are tacky, noisy, and irritating but in some ways they are good people. just one more year, nevertheless you have your one friend you can run into at times when you just can't stand them anymore. 

14. why can't i seem to focus on my studies?
- only 2 out of your 6 lecturers whose insightful and actually have new informations to be told, so it's not entirely your fault.

15. i am happy to be best friend with this person.
- and you should. this person have dreams, kind-hearted, friendly and actually acknowledge your friendship. you can tell your deepest secret without being judged and this person inspires you in lots of different things. 

Monday, October 10, 2016

poem draft

a poem draft I found on my notes from june 10th 2015


never notice
how the sky is so high
until tall buildings are being built

never notice 
when the air used to 
be clean
until dusty wheels hits
the roads

and now
grey grounds
grey sky
small space

time means money
never notice 
how it's fly
until it’s too late

your eyes half shut
and look !
sugar coated corpse
with a bitter

does the world have to be shattered
and crumbled 
bits to bits
until you
finally notice?

Tuesday, August 30, 2016


1. "eh lu gatau dia kan dulu atlit voli"
    "iya, tapi ga dibolehin lagi sama nyokap  hahaha"
    "ya iyalah masa cewek jadi atlit"

2. "jadi, cinta itu harus apa adanya, bukan ada apanya. amin? marilah kita bersatu dalam doa"

3. "kami menyarankan masa bimbingan untuk maba diperpanjang menjadi 1-2 bulan, karena banyak
     maba 2016 yang tidak respek terhadap seniornya"

4. "saya dulu sering lihat itu di amsterdam, orang gay berparade. astafiruloh, kiamat sudah dekat"

5. "temenin ke toilet. gamau sendiri, temenin dong"

6. "dia freak tau, suka ngomong sendiri"

7. "kayak orang freak anjing, jalan-jalan sendirian. macam gak punya temen"

8. "cari pacar dong"

9. "dia rada aneh sih kata gue, suka pake baju rada kecewek-cewekan gitu"

10. "indonesia tanpa pacaran. halalkan aku bang"

i'm so done.
nothing to do here,
lets just move to another planet.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

i am a Wes-Anderson-number-1-fan kit


i made characters on POLYVORE

the thing about...

It took me over three years to feel distant enough from the loss of my mother to have the courage to begin this piece. Even after that amount of time passed it was still difficult at moments to face daily in the studio… It’s gone through seemingly endless changes, but finally as I was bringing it to a close my father—a person of 73 years who has seen plenty of loss and endured many challenges in this lifetime—presented this question: What is the best way to eat an elephant? Answer: One bite at a time.I believe I’ve finished the elephant, well at least this one. ”
Melanie Vote, ART(inter)March, 2016

  • is that it's very easy. Everybody can do it. There's no right or wrong, because in it we believe in the freedom of self expressions. On the other hand, art can also be very static (in a way it isn't deep enough)--if the creator itself haven't gotten much of the bittersweet of life. That's probably one of the main reason why those who had through so much are able to articulate a deeper and appreciative meaning towards the simplest of things, therefore gives more value onto their creations.

  • ...human is that we categorises things. This, happens to be the very basic of the current social construction of genders that many have been brought up as the current and trending polemic. So, first women produce babies and those are delicate things, since the baby comes out from a female therefore it's indirectly become "her" central responsibility to take care and knows what best for them. Same as your body or anything that belongs to you. You have a basic instinct on the sense of ownership that distinguish the way you treat whats yours and what's not. Back to the female-and-babies problem, since the main needs of babies are food, clean clothes, and neat environment, women tries to fulfil those tasks by doing in which today's society called as houseworks or domestic works. Then, somehow generations and generations of women who bears babies since the existence of human itself, are being categorised to certain things because their moms told them so and their mom's mom told them so--so on and so forth. So, anything that are sweet, delicate, beautiful and neat are what's "ladylike". 

  • ...male is not that they are all horny assholes. Human, same as the other earthlings in this planet of ours, are animals. What differs them a teeny bit to us is consciousness. Animals thinks to survive, human thinks to sustains, and to sustain the offsprings, the male human have natural response towards female physiques--what is the best type to carry their children. That's why breasts and wide hip (a.k.a bubble butt) are attractive. Those things are arousing and makes male wants to fuck. Then comes religion, which give ways on how to treat and act around fellow human. The fragmentation comes between animals who rapes at mating season to human who have intercourse after a consensual consent because human have wits and thoughts. Religion contributes to the fundamental of laws and rules that creates the basic human rights we have today. That's why raping is illegal and forcing women to wear fully closed attire to hide their goodies is also not right because of the previous reasons, consciousness to control your own self and the rights for women as a fellow human to wear whatever they want. 

Monday, April 25, 2016

Between The Wilding (photoset 1)

A moment under the blue sky, getting close with mother earth and letting the sun to be our only timekeeper.

This is one of few created stuffs that never make it to the spotlight--until now. It is a very old project of mine (early 2015) which never been published for a reason that I best kept secret lol. Enjoy!

Stay tune for the next uploads (of another unpublished photosets)!
*ps. well, not purely "unpublished" 2 or more photos are actually already been posted into my Instagram account, but still you know you know

*pps. featuring my sister Talitha

x, M